People, I am smarting. This hurts worse than any cycling race I've ever done. I want to be a good citizen and conserve water in the extreme drought conditions. However, my 1955 toilets aren't complying.

Order of events:

I argue with boyfriend about why toilet needs replacing. I have spent at least 10,000 hours trying to fix the toilet! It can't be fixed! They don't make parts for it!

Boyfriend is quite crafty and gets new flapper at plumbing supply. This is one of those ball-style flappers that nobody uses anymore. Look! Toilet is fixed! See how it flushes and fills up with water again? Boyfriend expects post-toilet fixing reciprocation, but I am not an easy sell. (ha ha)

After all, I may not be the most handyman-inclined, but you can call me an expert toilet fixer after spending around, oh, 10,000 hours trying to fix two old toilets. I have never seen this toilet work right, so an easy flapper replacement isn't going to make me look like an un-handy idiot.

Next, the maid comes to my house and lets himself in with key. Maid cleans toilet. Maid flushes toilet. Toilet flapper does not fall down. Maid is a @#(*$#^%($#*%:(* IDIOT!!! Maid finishes job, takes check, leaves house.

Eight to ten hours later, I come home and find toilet running.

I might as well just sign my bank account and car title over to the water works board.

This was a Very Expensive house cleaning. It hurts. It will hurt me for a long, long time.

(Yes, going toilet shopping this weekend.)