Yesterday I rode for the first time in seven weeks. The weather was awesome. I took it very easy and didn't ride too far or for too long. The muscles in my neck and back were protesting being in that position and I still can't turn my neck to either side very easily. However, after the ride my neck muscles felt better. The PT said that I should start exercising again to get the blood flowing and that would help to loosen everything up.

There's a silver lining to everything, and despite my pissing and moaning about being in chronic pain, this two-month-long incident has benefited and changed me.

Howard had sent me an email a while back advising me to learn how to not-give-a-shit. The problem is that being wound up and having a Type AAAAAAAA personality makes it very difficult for me to simply say, "OK, I am going to be calm now, and I will sit here and relax." Can't do it to save my life. What's required is a gradual unwinding over a long period of time, like peeling layers off an onion, in order to reverse the build up of tension and stress that I have subjected myself to over an equally long period of time.

Being physically sidelined by a neck injury forced me to sit still and ponder the notion of learning how to relax. I am so stubborn and hyperactive that there is no person in this world who can force me to sit still. It *requires* a physical disablement in order for me to do this, and all the while I am whining about how I can't get up and do this or that, and how badly that sucks. It would be easier to tame a wild horse or a feral cat.

I give credit for the mental portion of this unwinding to a special person who has taught me how to slow down and smell the roses. He stayed with me, took care of me, and kept my mind off of being in pain. Type A people tend to feed off of each other's Type A-ness, and I needed a Type B person to show me how to slow down and let myself be spoiled. It's a nice place over there in Type B-world. :)

Cycling was an addiction, which has now been broken. During last night's ride I was having fun, but did not feel in need of it to make myself happy. My confidence tends to depend upon being consistent and following the rules, so my training program was running my life. If I had put the energy into my career that I was putting into training, I would now be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I realize now that it doesn't matter if I miss a training ride, skip a few days or do something different than what the training schedule said to do, because in the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

The past few years have been a blur of one stressful activity after another, and I had forgotten how to toss off my stressors and do things that I enjoy, like gardening and cooking and home improvement projects.

I love cycling and I would like to do some races this year, but I do not feel interested in setting any specific goals. Well, other than continuing to relax and enjoy myself.