At my parents' house I found an original 1952 version of Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette. This, my friends, is a book that all women must own. In fact, I have been uncouth and unladylike until I started reading the 1952 version of this book. Over the next few weeks of reading, I will experience a gradual progression into femininity and civility.

If you are a woman under the age of forty, thank God or your lucky stars that you were not living in the 1950s. Women back then could not wear pants or shorts, and they had to follow all sorts of strict rules when out in public. Nowadays, we ladies do keg stands and drink beer out of bottles (the horror! how phallic!) And sometimes when I am on my bike, I blow my nose onto the road. And after my bike races, I wrap myself in a towel and change out of my kit right there in the parking lot. Had I been a young lady in the fifties, I would have gone crazy and picked up the bridge table, dumping its contents onto the pink carpet, tied up the family dog with my pantyhose, and then stabbed someone with my knitting needles.

Thank God for liberation.

I'm going to read most of the book, however. It is hysterical.