I've been burdening myself quite a bit lately with the choices I've made in my life. I'm not sure I'm going along the right path, but I'm burned out with work and thus can't see clearly enough to decide what it is I'd really like to do. I think a lot of us get caught in a routine and can't break out of it. The term 'golden handcuffs' refers to how it becomes difficult to change careers because we are accustomed to the level of salary and benefits being received and aren't willing to take on a sacrifice in exchange for a change. Ideally I would like to do something more humanitarian; but I may simply have the 'grass is greener' syndrome. It's difficult to see how my efforts in corporate compliance (thanks to Sarbanes and Oxley) are doing anything to make the world a better place.

I think this sense of discontent motivates me to ride my bike hard. Cycling is a form of escapism, at least for me. I don't have to think about work or how my house needs furniture or how I can't keep up with the latest clothing trends or keep my fingernails neatly groomed. I can make excuses to avoid attending social events, and I can physically be with other people without really talking to them that much. I can avoid the annoyance of living up to the high beauty standards that women hold up to each other. I've used athletics as a form of escapism for as long as I can remember.

This past month, I've been working hard on a freelance project outside of work which has been occupying my free time away from my full time job and cycling. The work is more fulfilling than my full time job because it is free from the hindrance of corporate bureaucracy and management politics. When it is complete, I can say that I actually accomplished something from start to finish. One thing that's nice about earning money in this manner is that it keeps me from going out and about and spending money. Thus, I earn and save at the same time. However, my discontent and increased stress level encourages me to go out and buy things to attempt to make myself happier. In my opinion, this is one good reason why those who make more money also spend more money. After I buy something for myself, I have a brief period of happiness because I justified the suffering and boredom I went through to make the money that bought the new item(s).

I wonder what it would be like to be satisfied. I'd take an earnings reduction for that, but when I was making half of what I'm earning now, I wasn't satisfied then, either. I was still working and studying all the time and generally feeling overworked. What I would really like is more free time. Those citizens in the lower income brackets are often equally as exhausted, disillusioned and burned out from too much work and too little time off to relax. I think the greater problem is the attitude of American society towards work; that we must work our butts off for hours on end without time off in order to get ahead. In general, I feel stuck, with no way out of this situation.

So I ride my bike and try to forget about it.